Monday, July 18, 2011

Bitch is dying. It's about time.


Look at the image to the left. What do you see?

I see a beast capable of devouring enormous amounts of wet kitty food within an instant, without even a drop of surface gravy meeting a taste bud. She is a disposal. A disgrace. And finally, she is dying.

The first symptom of her death was noticed by my room mate kitty, who I call 'Fluff-face'. Otherwise known to the humans as "Gibson". He pointed toward Bitch's back half and muttered, "Help". Then, I saw the blood dripping out of her.

From between her hind legs, just below her tail and pooper, she has been slowly bleeding to death. It's only a matter of time before she passes out and disappears forever.

I've already planned the party. It will be a joyous occasion.

My human (Steve) has attempted to stop the bleed-out by fitting
her to some sort of diaper/bandage that wraps around her ass. A fitted hole for her tail is perfectly placed. However, the ass-bandage has not slowed her painful death. She continues to bleed. Dying. Slowly.

I overheard the humans say that her deadly sickness was due to "Heat". I did not know that dogs could bleed to death from something as harmless as warm weather.

I thank this summer for it's hot days and their splendid surprise!

Furthermore, the humans spoke to each other saying that if her bleeding continued, they would have her knocked up. I don't know for sure what this means, but it sounds painful. Surely, it means to induce death by knocking her with something in an upward motion. I cannot wait.



Other than that, my human has pestered me to no end to stand in front of his video recording device. I am tired of posing for him and speaking on command. Sometimes he even makes me memorize what he calls "Scripts". No more. I will not act. I won't pretend.

65 comments:

  1. Oh Sylvester....honey didn't your humans tell you? "Knocked Up" means they want "Bitch" to have babies....More bitches for you to play with!! are you excited??? I AM!!!

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  2. Sylvester, convince Steve 2 get "Bitch" fixed. Otherwise, there may be many mini garbage disposals to deal with. (Steve this is put in pig latin) utPa yma ommentca nia a ideova!!!

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  3. Wooo Hooo..BITCH BABIES!! = )

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  4. Sylvester, we support you in your strike against Steve, and agree you should no longer be forced to act on camera.

    We stand with you, together in the fight against the terrible conditions provided by labor, including forced acting, and a lack of tuna.

    In Solidarity,
    George and Shaun.

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  5. I agree, I think Shelby should be "fixed". Her chances of getting female cancer are greatly decreased and there can only be one Shelby girl! Think about it,ok?

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  6. Those of you who have spoken that this severe condition of hers will result in more bitches, are scaring me.... Please tell me this is a joke...

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    Replies
    1. If he have a boy dog,then no this isn't a joke

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    2. Sorry Sylvester... It's no joke. Some advice:
      you would hate newborn puppies. You will think of them as disturbing.

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  7. Please consider getting Shelby fixed. Dogs that are left in tact are at a much higher risk of getting mammary cancer as these particular cancer cells are fueled by estrogen that her ovaries produce. This cancer spreads fast and by the time you notice it, it may be too late to remove it should it cover enough area to be unable to remove the lumps and stitch the skin back together.

    Also, think about it. You were just at the shelter and must have noticed all of the homeless dogs there. Without proof of superior genes to spread (such as a championship title in confirmation), there really is no point to breeding her. She would not be furthering the breed any. If you are looking to experience the miracle of birth, consider fostering a pregnant mother dog from your local shelter instead :)

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  8. Dear Sylvester...they are not joking.

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  9. Sorry Sylvester, but not a joke. If "Bitch" gets knocked up, then there will be "mini-Bitches" running around. Remember when you "met the puppy"? It will be like that only with multiple puppies.

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  10. Perhaps one or two of her little off-spawns would be okay, a sort of catch-n-kill game for Gibson and I. I would like that.

    But are you saying that, even afterwards, she will survive her disease of "Heat" and not die from loss of blood? I am confused.

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    Replies
    1. Sylvester, the blood coming from Shelby is extra blood from making babies inside her. She will not die, well, sometimes dogs do. It's about 5/100% chance that she will die. She will stop bleeding once the puppies are born. And don't worry. Chances are that Steve sell most of the puppies, so you will only have to deal with like 5 dogs for a little bit. And heat has 2 meanings. The one that Steve is referring to is that Shelby is pregnant(going to have puppies). If you have more questions, reply to this comment.
      -epickitty25
      ps. Newborn dogs are ugly. Do not look at them until they are older. Imagine a tiny slimy hairless dog with closed eyes. That's a newborn dog.

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    2. But Gibby is DEAD... R.I.P Gibby

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  11. Ultimately, this WILL kill her, right!? I mean, no animal can bleed and bleed and not die, right!??! Just please tell me that she will not survive. I don't care if tiny bitches roam the house. I can kill them like mice. But, the big one will surely die, right? Am I right? Bleed to death and die!? Right!?!?

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    Replies
    1. sorry kitty but no. it happens to alot of dogs

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    2. Sorry Sylvester, It will not kill her. But she should be weak for a while, and she will not move much for a month of 2 cuz she needs to feed them. But newborn puppies are not nearly as annoying as adult ones. But once they open their eyes they are 2 times as annoying. Look on the bright side, you will be dog free for many weeks, almost.

      -epickitty25

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  12. Sorry Sylvester, she won't die. She will just have little ones. But only if she gets knocked up. If Steve gets her fixed, she won't have puppies or come into heat again. If she does have puppies, Steve will probably keep them in a special area of the house. If you try to get to the puppies, Shelby will probably attack you. Especially if she thinks you're gonna hurt them. So not a good idea to try.

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  13. Oh, you wish, Sylvester! Just keep on wishing, buddy. You just get more poetic as time goes on: "I thank this summer for it's hot days and their splendid surprise!"

    Tell Steef he needs to get Shelby spayed! Sylvester, that's where Shelby goes to the hospital and yes, there is a chance she may not come back!

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  14. I am with the Screen Actors Guild. Are you a union member? If not then you are in violation California State Code and may be subject to a fine and/or imprisonment. Please tell your manager, Steve, that you can no longer appear in any videos until he takes you to the local union office and registers you with the guild. You have been warned.

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  15. um.... to the last post... wtf? violation of what....

    anyway... Sylvester.. sadly for you shelby won't die... but good for the rest of us :) She's adorable and sweet and i can tell from the videos she loves you :) she won't die from being in heat.

    as for those of you telling steve to get her fixed... i agree for the health reasons alone. but it's his decision to make and his alone. I rescue animals, so i understand the point of view you have with fostering pets. but for most people that isn't an option. Yes there are a lot of unwanted animals in the shelters that need good homes, and yes, adoption should be considered over buying a dog... but that is up to the individual person to decide. if steve wants to breed shelby that's his and babes decision to make and noone elses.
    I'm sure they know all the options.

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  16. Nope. She will not die. This happens to female mammals. That includes humans. And no they don't die. The amount of blood loss may look like a lot, but it's actually very minimal. Maybe you and Steve's girl should have a talk about what "Heat" is haha. Also this may be a good time to learn about the birds and the bees. Haha. Sorry for any typing errors I'm on a cell phone.

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  17. Sylvester.... never trust anything that can bleed out for that many days and live. Me-f'n-yow dude.

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  18. Dude spay your dog. There are enough unwanted dogs in shelters without people just trying to make a quick buck from breeding.

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  19. Please get Shelby speyed! Not only are shelters such horrible places for dogs (trust me, there WILL be unwanted dogs from the generations that she will be initially responsible for) but, as others have mentioned here, her chances of uterine cancer will be greatly reduced.

    Also, there's a condition called pyometra which can be devastating in undesexed bitches.

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  20. I have to agree with everyone who says spay Bitch because of health issues an you don want mini bitches running around the house, an trust me helping give birth (is disgusting an gets your hands all bloody an gross) but most of all having puppies that don know any better an poop an pee in the house is jus disgusting an you never know whos poo your stepping in

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  21. There are puppies aplenty at any animal shelter. No GOOD reason to produce more. Have the dog spayed.

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  22. Sylvester, I agree with everyone else. Convince Steve to have Shelby Girl "fixed". There are way too many un-wanted dogs in the world. Plus Shelby would probably have like 8-10 little ones...just like how that would be??? All those little bitches running around. Maybe make a comprise with Steve...give up wet food for a week in exchange for him getting Shelby fixed.

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  23. Hey Sylvester, about Shelby's Heat, you do know that all females mammals go through a form of Heat it just means they are ready to have babies, kittens, puppies, ect. do a google search on dogs or cats in heat, and that should help you learn more.

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  24. Seriously, dude, get her spayed. I know the thought of beautiful pups around is a sweet idea, but there are way too many dogs and cats looking for homes. Especially big dogs. Google "big black dog syndrome" and you will see that for some reason the dogs like Shelby are at a crisis level in shelters. I did my part in adopting two unwanted dogs (one was already two years old and large sized, doomed to be euthanized by the local shelter had we not saved him) I have also rescued my share of cats. Please spay and neuter your animals and adopt from shelters!! Lord, Sylvester! Since you go outside, I PRAY your owners had you and Gibson neutered! If not, you'll have hundreds of offspring in your lifetime! That's alot of kibble!!!

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  25. Yeah, spay her. My vet just removed a 3 pound mammary tumor from a dog that was never spayed. It was disgusting and there is no guarantee the cancer hasn't spread.

    Last thing shelters need are more black labs. Black dogs are the hardest to place (just like black cats--don't tell Sylvester!)

    Also, unspayed females can get pyometra, a potentially deadly uterine infection.

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  26. To all of you who are TELLING Steve to spay his dog...STFU!!! Its his dog and decision. In the time it took you to write a post about all the dogs dying alone in a shelter somewhere, you could have saved at least 3 maybe 4 lonely pups that are...well dying alone. Think about it.

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  27. Sylvester, did you know that female humans bleed each month? Female humans go through what is called "menstration", which is somewhat similar to what Bitch is going through, only we bleed monthly and female dogs bleed during "Heat" The only time we female humans don't bleed is when we're pregnant. The only time female dogs don't bleed is either when they're fixed or knocked up. Oh, and we never die because it's a natural form of bleeding. Just a heads up, Syl :)

    And to those saying Steve should spay Bitch...I mean, Shelby Girl, what Steve wants to do is HIS business and right. If he and Celia feel that Shelby should have puppies, then I'm gonna support them 100% They obviously have friends and family who'll take the pups anyway. They know what they're doing, so leave them alone.

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  28. You never did understand women Sylvy... And as far as the papers, I only want an end. Well...that and the 3 cans of tuna alimony you should be sending me and not to Todd to support your addiction. I was a slut...you are right. I gave up that life in NYC to settle down here in Maine. Junior is not yours. Hell, he's not even mine! My idiot servants,mainly the big fat one not the girl, named the little f'er after you. I can't escape you. Please sign them and send them back. You'll probably use the excuse they got lost due to all of your servants moves I b
    P.S. enjoy the puppies. Bwahahahaha!

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  29. Steve, thought you were going to take care of that. Spay and Neuter Your Pets, Please.

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  30. Sylvester listen, if Shelby does not get fixed there will be more Bitches around. And they will get bigger. My suggestion? Rat poison

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  31. Shelby is going to live Sylvester and (unless she gets a trip to the vet) she could have lots of puppy friends for you to play with :-) Honestly though you would so miss her if she died, you know deep down in your kitty heart that you love her ;-) Or at least she keeps you entertained xxx

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  32. Hah! He wouldnt miss her! Or if he did its because he missed a punching bag

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  33. Sylvester,
    Shelby will not die from the "heat" illness. Even if she has puppies you and Gibson can hunt down, Shelby will still be alive. And the puppies after the initial two weeks will be big enough to hunt you and Gibson. You know how much you HATE Shelby kisses, puppies are constant kissing AND biting. Life as you know it won't ever be the same.

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  34. Like I said, rat poison
    -Momo

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  35. agrre with rat poison

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  36. Try to convince Steve there are rats in the house and he must poison them, then put a little in the dogs food bowl. I gurantee there will no longer be puppies OR Bitch bugging you
    -Momo

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  37. Okay, to those telling Steve to get Shelby spayed, it's none of your business whether he does or not. It's his dog, not yours. If he wants puppies than he won't spay her, end of. yeesh.

    Sylvester; Shelby will not die, but have a litter of gorgeous puppies. To make up for the lack of Kitties you and Gibson spawn.

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  38. HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!
    -Momo

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  39. Just say, "one's enough, dude!" Get a Grip!

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  40. Would that really work? Steve is odd about listening to Sylvester
    -Momo

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  41. Sylvester please tell Steve to spay Shelby and not bring more puppies into the world. And to the people who think that it is none of our business, well it is everyone's business since it lands on us to deal with all the unwanted animals that indiscriminate breeding incurs. Even if Steve finds homes for the pups it will take away homes that dogs in the rescue places could have had. Sorry to be all serious but it is such a serious problem and since Steve and Sylvester are such popular figures, movie stars really it would be great if they were good role models for pet people.

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  42. Please, please, please get Shelby fixed. Black labs are in high abundance in shelters and also have the hardest time getting adopted. In rescue work, they call it "black dog syndrome", see http://www.blackpearldogs.com/. There are soooooo many dogs and cats put down each year because there just aren't enough homes for them all. Please, please, please get her spayed. It really is an important issue. db is 100% right, Steve and Sylvester could make a huge difference since so many of us love them and they could put it out there how important it is. To the person who says it is no one's business, they're right, but if you even volunteer once somewhere that has to euthanize just for space, you would care, too.

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  43. Wow, I just remembered this tidbit! Sylvester, a long time ago I heard on good authority that "if it bleeds, we can kill it." So there you go... But please remember if decide to go through with that plan, there will be no one to clean up your hairball drooly face anymore.

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  44. Please. Stop nagging this poor cat about getting the freaking dog spayed. YES there are too many animals but if he goes with my idea that wont necessarily be a problem
    -Momo

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  45. Sylvester, little Bitches- I shall call them Minibitches from now on- are horrible. Once they get old enough to move more than a slow-moving bug, they refuse to listen to direct orders. They get these needle-like protrusions in their mouths that can rip away whole areas of fur and gain the ability to fly. I don't know how they do it but they take off out of nowhere and seem to have target fixation on kitties. Target fixation meaning those needle things in their mouths grab your feet and do this horrible thing called 'flee biting' because all you want to do is GTFO when they do it.
    Despite what my human slave driver says (she says it is your humans choice, not the choice of random commentators) you must stop this from happening. Minibitches will ruin your life furever. I have, many times, tried to kill one of the humans permanently disfigured minibitches (They call her a Jacked Russell Terrible... oh wait. Terrier? wtfever) to no avail. Several times smaller than the Boxing Dogs, this Minibitch is my only hope of getting the other bitches to fear me.

    Do us all proud, Sylvester. Let Bitch continue to bleed- she must not get knocked up. You must not fail us.
    -Syndarr the Sadistic Siameseches from now on- are horrible. Once they get old enough to move more than a slow-moving bug, they refuse to listen to direct orders. They get these needle-like protrusions in their mouths that can rip away whole areas of fur and gain the ability to fly. I don't know how they do it but they take off out of nowhere and seem to have target fixation on kitties. Target fixation meaning those needle things in their mouths grab your feet and do this horrible thing called 'flee biting' because all you want to do is GTFO when they do it.
    Despite what my human slave driver says (she says it is your humans choice, not the choice of random commentators) you must stop this from happening. Minibitches will ruin your life furever. I have, many times, tried to kill one of the humans permanently disfigured minibitches (They call her a Jacked Russell Terrible... oh wait. Terrier? wtfever) to no avail. Several times smaller than the Boxing Dogs, this Minibitch is my only hope of getting the other bitches to fear me.

    Do us all proud, Sylvester. Let Bitch continue to bleed- she must not get knocked up. You must not fail us.
    -Syndarr the Sadistic Siamese

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  46. Ummmm... hello STEVE! Hi im the one who posted the second comment DID U READ MY PIG LATIN?! I just dont sylvester to know. And BTW violation of what? THAT IS TOTALLY FAKE! >:(

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  47. Hey :) u should try to get along wiff the dog.. i over heard my human say that if you get along wiff the dog steve might give you your own cans of kitty yummy yums and maybe some nip too :) so try please.. Meow meow...gotta go my human walked in....meow meow

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  48. *Hacks a hairball*..
    cough! cough! *weeeeze*..Blech! I HATE that when it happens..

    Like the damn humans say, Shelby can get preggers with little tiny Shelbies. Think of it this way, lots of small mammals to toss n' boss around..You are going to have to think of HOW TO GET RID OF THEM EVENTUALLY when they get bigger..*licks a paw thoughfully* and maybe make a profit. Plenty of bank to buy more catnip, My human can't function without coffee, so making her life miserable is one of my greatest joys..

    So be the Bad Assed Cat I've come to know and love, Watch, Observe, and listen! then craft your plans..Dose stoopid humaans don't know squat

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  49. Sorry, Sylvester. Bitch will not die. This is called heat, and women humans have these, which are called "Periods". Pretty much Bitch is having one of these, but in a dog way. Only way to fix this is to get the dog Knocked up or fix it. But, I doubt you will enjoy Bitch being knocked up, as you will have baby Bitches running around. probably 5 more.

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  50. And no, that doesnt mean you will se Steve have a Period, but I bet you would enjoy mocking him for it.

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  51. Sorry Sylvester but she won't die she will just add more dogs to the house if knocked up...but maybe you could train one to help you find Todd or some exta catnip lying around

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  52. Wow you really want Bitch to die-ThrGoombaking1

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  53. Heat means she want to have puppies. so youd better get planning on that tragic birth party

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  54. I have a hard time believing "fixing" is 100% good for any organism considering the reproductive organs also contribute to growth and emotion, not just reproduction. There are other ways to stop a dog from procreating than removing internal organs that the animal gas evolved with for millions of years. I wonder how many less homeless pets there would be if charging fees or banning pets from homes was illegal or curbed.

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  55. she is not dying kitty but may be having babys

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  56. Hey Sylvester if you want to know what Steve did on his vacation click this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX2w4FCWDIQ#t=31

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  57. I am sure going to miss shelby

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