Sunday, September 25, 2011

Shelby broke her collar!

What a wonderful day!

First, I have been under such strict supervision that I haven't been able to get online for quite some time, but my human finally eased off me. I have missed my blog.

Second, Bitch (the dog) ruined her speaking collar!

For the first time in weeks, things are getting back to normal. I love it.

The dumb bitch had her collar on, running around the house making as much noise as possible. When all of a sudden, her over-activity created a wonderful and ironic thirst.

She then ran to the bathroom to drink from the toilet, quickly submersing the speaker into the water as she drank. The sound was glorious, "Water water water wattbble wabnble wabble wabbl bebelebbebb...pbppb...bpbp.b.....po........"... And then, silence.

Steve was angry, but he says he can fix it. I doubt it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I died today... Again....

I'm getting sick of this shit. Most cats my age are still living their first life.
And here I am, at nearly 4 years old, already on my 5th run. If my human knew about this he would be pissed.

Today started out innocent. A door left cracked open allowed my escape into the free world. Within seconds, I heard the squeal of a human transport machine (a car thingy) as it headed directly for me. When it hit me, it hurt a little, but the death was mostly painless.

Ironically, every time I die, I reappear face down in my litter box. I'm sure the kitty Gods think it's hilarious, but I find no humor in it.

If my calculations are correct, I have only 4 lives remaining. I need to be more careful.

Sometimes it's just too easy. For instance, my second death was a f**king joke. I remember it as if it were only yesterday.

I was sitting next to my litter box when I started gagging uncontrollably. It was a hairball. Not just any hairball, but a massive hairball. Apparently, the hairball was enough for the kitty Gods to declare unavoidable death. I choked and died within minutes.

When I reappeared in my litter box (face down of course, f**cking kitty Gods!) I looked up just quickly enough to catch a glimpse of my former body, right before it turned inside out and vanished.

Why did it turn inside out before it vanished? Hell if I know. Probably just another presentation of the kitty God's cruel humor. Once again, I didn't enjoy seeing it. It still gives me nightmares.

However, I'll be watching my step from now on.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I will not tolerate this.

A few days ago, my human questioned me about some wires that had been chewed up. I quickly blamed the dog. Rather than taking my side like most good humans should do, my evil care giver decided to make this stupid thing:
I found this picture on his computer. It explains nothing. Yet somehow it allows Bitch to speak her thoughts without even moving her mouth. I'll be honest, if he put that damn thing on me it would be a disaster. I keep my words simple for a reason. Never say too much.

As documented in yet another of my human's videos, you can hear what the bitch is thinking. I always knew she was dumb. But I never knew she was that dumb.

To make matters worse, my human forgot to take that stupid thing off of her neck before he went to bed! I can't tell you how many times I told her to "Shut Up" during the night! She continued to say "Hamburgers" and "Wheres My Ball?" for hours!

Eventually her voice got lower and lower, as if a demon was taking her over. The deeper her voice got, the more Fluff-Face (Gibby-shit) whimpered and hid in the corner. I admit, it started to sound scary.

By the time our human (Steve) woke up, the dog's voice was a dark and deep echo of "HHhhaammbuurgerrs" in low low tone. Steve then said something about her battery dying. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope it never happens again. I had nightmares all night!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I pooped. And I am damn proud of it.

I feel good. I was more productive today than I had planned to be. Thanks, mostly, to Steve for his inability to check what doors are left opened or closed before he leaves for work.

I was so pleased when I saw that my human took the time to share this with the world! Let this be a lesson to all humans who imprison us in their homes. If we can't get to the pooping square, your bed is fair game. You've been warned.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Steve is the best!

I usually I can't stand my human, but today he finally did something right.

He bought me a brand new
full sized scratching post!

It smells expensive. The old one was in pretty bad shape, and I had already run out of new places to scratch. Almost every inch was torn and frayed. It was unacceptable. Granted, every tear was my own doing (with some minor damage from fluff-face and his girly claws).

Luckily, my human pays attention and knows exactly when a kitty's scratching post is due for replacement!

My only wish now is that the humans would stop sitting on my scratching post. They sat on the old one too. But who cares, I finally got a new scratching post! I am so excited and eager to break it in!

With knowledge that my human is aware of when to replace my scratching post, I feel at ease about my scratching. I won't waste any time. After all, the faster I can tear it to pieces, (enjoying every minute) the faster my human will replace it with a newer model! It's like endless fun!

To the right is a picture of my new scratching post from the magazine that he ordered it from. It looks much bigger in real life.

Gibson (I mean, Fluff-face) already peed on it once. I think I'll pee on the other side.

Thank you so much Steve! I'm going to go scratch it right now! Your the best!


Friday, July 29, 2011

Man's best friend = Man's perfect slave

I lost a claw in the carpet yesterday. That was my second one on my left paw. If I keep this up I will be helpless. But clawing the floors and furniture is my only way of showing control.

Today I sat in the lookout (human term: Window) for over an hour today, just watching the outside world. I have been in captivity for so long now that I can hardly think of anything else to do with my time. Sleep maybe? Eat until the bowl is empty? Wrestle with Fluff face? I have grown sick of everything in this prison they call a home.

As I peered through my prison glass, I watched Bitch (Human Term: The Dog) running around like an idiot in the grass. She was accompanied by my human, Steve.

I've been astonished by the faith, trust and dependence that she shows toward the humans. She comes to them whenever they call. If they throw an object, she retrieves it and returns the item back to their possession. She has been brainwashed.

Most of all, I cannot understand why she is released so freely into the outdoors and yet never escapes. She comes back into our dungeon on her own. I hate her. It is almost as if she is blowing laughter in my face. Like she is saying "Haha you stupid little kitty! I am free! You are stuck!".

I don't know why Steve trusts Bitch more than he does me. Why would she get special privileges and not I? I'll bet she is giving them information or something. Either way, she is still bleeding to death from the heat, so hopefully soon she will get knocked up like the humans said and go away. I can't wait.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Gibson has gone too far....

I've never been more angry in my whole 3 years!

My human (Steve) gives me canned yummy-ness (Human term: wet food) once a day. I love my canned yummy-ness more than
anything... well, other than nip.....

But damn its good!

Today was no different. The human pried open a yummy can with the magical opener thingy, put it our bowl and then left.

Sadly, I was sleeping on the couch when the yummy can opening occurred. When I woke, I could still smell the fishy happiness in the air. By the time I reached my nom nom area, everything was gone. Only the scent of past fishiness was left.

I know that Fluff-Face pleased himself and ate both his and my portions. He will pay for this. I don't know how yet, but it will be harsh. I will never forget this day.

I'm still searching for anything I can find that will embarrass Steve. I want to get him back for violating my privacy all these years by recording me without permission and making it public.

So far, this is the only thing I have found. I doubt he wanted it to be seen.

Just the way he sings along is enough to make me puke.

Such an utter dork.
An informant supposedly has some embarrassing video footage of the dorky human from his younger years. If I can get my hands on it, I will make sure that everyone sees it. Perhaps then Steve will stop violating me with his recording device.