Sunday, September 25, 2011

Shelby broke her collar!

What a wonderful day!

First, I have been under such strict supervision that I haven't been able to get online for quite some time, but my human finally eased off me. I have missed my blog.

Second, Bitch (the dog) ruined her speaking collar!

For the first time in weeks, things are getting back to normal. I love it.

The dumb bitch had her collar on, running around the house making as much noise as possible. When all of a sudden, her over-activity created a wonderful and ironic thirst.

She then ran to the bathroom to drink from the toilet, quickly submersing the speaker into the water as she drank. The sound was glorious, "Water water water wattbble wabnble wabble wabbl bebelebbebb...pbppb...bpbp.b.....po........"... And then, silence.

Steve was angry, but he says he can fix it. I doubt it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I died today... Again....

I'm getting sick of this shit. Most cats my age are still living their first life.
And here I am, at nearly 4 years old, already on my 5th run. If my human knew about this he would be pissed.

Today started out innocent. A door left cracked open allowed my escape into the free world. Within seconds, I heard the squeal of a human transport machine (a car thingy) as it headed directly for me. When it hit me, it hurt a little, but the death was mostly painless.

Ironically, every time I die, I reappear face down in my litter box. I'm sure the kitty Gods think it's hilarious, but I find no humor in it.

If my calculations are correct, I have only 4 lives remaining. I need to be more careful.

Sometimes it's just too easy. For instance, my second death was a f**king joke. I remember it as if it were only yesterday.

I was sitting next to my litter box when I started gagging uncontrollably. It was a hairball. Not just any hairball, but a massive hairball. Apparently, the hairball was enough for the kitty Gods to declare unavoidable death. I choked and died within minutes.

When I reappeared in my litter box (face down of course, f**cking kitty Gods!) I looked up just quickly enough to catch a glimpse of my former body, right before it turned inside out and vanished.

Why did it turn inside out before it vanished? Hell if I know. Probably just another presentation of the kitty God's cruel humor. Once again, I didn't enjoy seeing it. It still gives me nightmares.

However, I'll be watching my step from now on.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I will not tolerate this.

A few days ago, my human questioned me about some wires that had been chewed up. I quickly blamed the dog. Rather than taking my side like most good humans should do, my evil care giver decided to make this stupid thing:
I found this picture on his computer. It explains nothing. Yet somehow it allows Bitch to speak her thoughts without even moving her mouth. I'll be honest, if he put that damn thing on me it would be a disaster. I keep my words simple for a reason. Never say too much.

As documented in yet another of my human's videos, you can hear what the bitch is thinking. I always knew she was dumb. But I never knew she was that dumb.

To make matters worse, my human forgot to take that stupid thing off of her neck before he went to bed! I can't tell you how many times I told her to "Shut Up" during the night! She continued to say "Hamburgers" and "Wheres My Ball?" for hours!

Eventually her voice got lower and lower, as if a demon was taking her over. The deeper her voice got, the more Fluff-Face (Gibby-shit) whimpered and hid in the corner. I admit, it started to sound scary.

By the time our human (Steve) woke up, the dog's voice was a dark and deep echo of "HHhhaammbuurgerrs" in low low tone. Steve then said something about her battery dying. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope it never happens again. I had nightmares all night!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I pooped. And I am damn proud of it.

I feel good. I was more productive today than I had planned to be. Thanks, mostly, to Steve for his inability to check what doors are left opened or closed before he leaves for work.

I was so pleased when I saw that my human took the time to share this with the world! Let this be a lesson to all humans who imprison us in their homes. If we can't get to the pooping square, your bed is fair game. You've been warned.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Steve is the best!

I usually I can't stand my human, but today he finally did something right.

He bought me a brand new
full sized scratching post!

It smells expensive. The old one was in pretty bad shape, and I had already run out of new places to scratch. Almost every inch was torn and frayed. It was unacceptable. Granted, every tear was my own doing (with some minor damage from fluff-face and his girly claws).

Luckily, my human pays attention and knows exactly when a kitty's scratching post is due for replacement!

My only wish now is that the humans would stop sitting on my scratching post. They sat on the old one too. But who cares, I finally got a new scratching post! I am so excited and eager to break it in!

With knowledge that my human is aware of when to replace my scratching post, I feel at ease about my scratching. I won't waste any time. After all, the faster I can tear it to pieces, (enjoying every minute) the faster my human will replace it with a newer model! It's like endless fun!

To the right is a picture of my new scratching post from the magazine that he ordered it from. It looks much bigger in real life.

Gibson (I mean, Fluff-face) already peed on it once. I think I'll pee on the other side.

Thank you so much Steve! I'm going to go scratch it right now! Your the best!


Friday, July 29, 2011

Man's best friend = Man's perfect slave

I lost a claw in the carpet yesterday. That was my second one on my left paw. If I keep this up I will be helpless. But clawing the floors and furniture is my only way of showing control.

Today I sat in the lookout (human term: Window) for over an hour today, just watching the outside world. I have been in captivity for so long now that I can hardly think of anything else to do with my time. Sleep maybe? Eat until the bowl is empty? Wrestle with Fluff face? I have grown sick of everything in this prison they call a home.

As I peered through my prison glass, I watched Bitch (Human Term: The Dog) running around like an idiot in the grass. She was accompanied by my human, Steve.

I've been astonished by the faith, trust and dependence that she shows toward the humans. She comes to them whenever they call. If they throw an object, she retrieves it and returns the item back to their possession. She has been brainwashed.

Most of all, I cannot understand why she is released so freely into the outdoors and yet never escapes. She comes back into our dungeon on her own. I hate her. It is almost as if she is blowing laughter in my face. Like she is saying "Haha you stupid little kitty! I am free! You are stuck!".

I don't know why Steve trusts Bitch more than he does me. Why would she get special privileges and not I? I'll bet she is giving them information or something. Either way, she is still bleeding to death from the heat, so hopefully soon she will get knocked up like the humans said and go away. I can't wait.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Gibson has gone too far....

I've never been more angry in my whole 3 years!

My human (Steve) gives me canned yummy-ness (Human term: wet food) once a day. I love my canned yummy-ness more than
anything... well, other than nip.....

But damn its good!

Today was no different. The human pried open a yummy can with the magical opener thingy, put it our bowl and then left.

Sadly, I was sleeping on the couch when the yummy can opening occurred. When I woke, I could still smell the fishy happiness in the air. By the time I reached my nom nom area, everything was gone. Only the scent of past fishiness was left.

I know that Fluff-Face pleased himself and ate both his and my portions. He will pay for this. I don't know how yet, but it will be harsh. I will never forget this day.

I'm still searching for anything I can find that will embarrass Steve. I want to get him back for violating my privacy all these years by recording me without permission and making it public.

So far, this is the only thing I have found. I doubt he wanted it to be seen.

Just the way he sings along is enough to make me puke.

Such an utter dork.
An informant supposedly has some embarrassing video footage of the dorky human from his younger years. If I can get my hands on it, I will make sure that everyone sees it. Perhaps then Steve will stop violating me with his recording device.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Humans are cruel.

I nearly died this morning.

My human rambled on about his love/hate relationship with oatmeal (a subject I am extremely tired of), so I decided to clean myself as a distraction from his blabbering mouth. Apparently I need to slow down.

Within seconds, my throat began to close. I could taste my own hair (and perhaps someone else's) creeping to the back of my tongue. My stomach turned upside down as I gagged. It was a full blown hair-ball attack. I can't say I regret it too much, as it did force Steve to shut up about the oatmeal. Mission accomplished.

Adding insult to injury, not only did my human stand there watching, but he recorded it too. As the link here proves, he violated my privacy once again. Bastard.

I haven't heard any new news about Shelby's (Ahem, Bitch's) demise from the hot weather (the disease called "Heat" that causes bad animals to bleed to death). I am still waiting for them to finish her off by their means of "knocking up". If I had thumbs and a hammer, I'd knock her up myself. I would knock her all over the place.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Bitch is dying. It's about time.

Look at the image to the left. What do you see?

I see a beast capable of devouring enormous amounts of wet kitty food within an instant, without even a drop of surface gravy meeting a taste bud. She is a disposal. A disgrace. And finally, she is dying.

The first symptom of her death was noticed by my room mate kitty, who I call 'Fluff-face'. Otherwise known to the humans as "Gibson". He pointed toward Bitch's back half and muttered, "Help". Then, I saw the blood dripping out of her.

From between her hind legs, just below her tail and pooper, she has been slowly bleeding to death. It's only a matter of time before she passes out and disappears forever.

I've already planned the party. It will be a joyous occasion.

My human (Steve) has attempted to stop the bleed-out by fitting
her to some sort of diaper/bandage that wraps around her ass. A fitted hole for her tail is perfectly placed. However, the ass-bandage has not slowed her painful death. She continues to bleed. Dying. Slowly.

I overheard the humans say that her deadly sickness was due to "Heat". I did not know that dogs could bleed to death from something as harmless as warm weather.

I thank this summer for it's hot days and their splendid surprise!

Furthermore, the humans spoke to each other saying that if her bleeding continued, they would have her knocked up. I don't know for sure what this means, but it sounds painful. Surely, it means to induce death by knocking her with something in an upward motion. I cannot wait.

Other than that, my human has pestered me to no end to stand in front of his video recording device. I am tired of posing for him and speaking on command. Sometimes he even makes me memorize what he calls "Scripts". No more. I will not act. I won't pretend.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Another damn video.

I thought I was doing them a favor. Getting rid of the dog would have made everyone happy. No more wet face licks, no more jingling dog tags....

Instead, I get in trouble for it.

Some humans are impossible to please.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A bad bad day...

I had one of the worst days ever.

First, I woke up early and tried to get some noms from my bowl, but it was empty. Then, I noticed an open door that is usually closed. I walked inside. Some how, I fell asleep.

I suppose one of the humans closed the door as I slept, because I spent 10 hours locked away! The room was tiny and dark. I've over heard the humans call it a "Klauz It", but I don't know what that means.

Although my keepers said that my day of solitary confinement was "an accident", I firmly believe that it was punishment. Are they still mad at me for putting the dog on craigslist?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Hating it...

Imagine if you flushed your human litter box (toilet thingy) only once every two days. Well, that's what my human (Steve) just left for me. He's forgotten to clean our pooping square (litter box) for two days in a row now.

I can barely walk into it, yet alone relieve myself. To make things worse, Fluff-Face (Gibson) has the Hershey squirts.

I've already stepped into it once, and I wiped it off on Bitch's face. She licked her nose and never noticed the foul slime. I enjoyed watching her. Disgusting beast.

However, if my pooping square is not refreshed within the next day, I will reserve the entire home as "Free To Release" zones. Just a small warning.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Today... Just another day as a kitty...

  • 9:31 AM - I woke up.
  • 10:10 - I got up from the floor.
  • 10:13 - I ate some food...
  • 10:19 - I pooped and peed.
  • 10:22 - I took a nap.
  • 11:06 - I woke up.... Again..
  • 11:19 - Bitch licked me. I punched her.

  • 12:58 PM - Steve stepped on my tail.
  • 1:07 - I bathed myself with my tongue.
  • 1:19 - I puked a little.
  • 1:43 - I took a nap.
  • 5:30 - I woke up.
  • 5:32 - Steve gave Fluff-Face and me tuna.
  • 5:44 - I took a nap.
  • 7:39 - I woke up.
  • 8:02 - I tried to escape.
  • 8:03 - I gave up on escaping. It's too hard.
  • 8:04 - I got my back claw stuck in the carpet.
  • 8:05 - I got a little scared. Stuck in one place.
  • 8:06 - I made my peace with the world and planned to die.
  • 8:10 - Steve helped me release myself from the floor.
  • 8:13 - Fluff-Face (Gibson) jumped on my back.
  • 9:31 - I took a nap.
  • 10:08 - I woke up.
  • 10:09 - I got online to post a blog.
All in all it's been a good day!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

We Survived The Attacks.

I was surprised when I woke up this morning.
After last nights deadly bombings that seemed to last forever, I assumed the world would be vacant. I didn't expect to wake up.

When I peeked outside, the only evidence of the war was large black ash on the streets and sidewalk. A slight smokey haze fills the air, but the humans outside seem to have continued on as if nothing ever happened. I will never understand these careless humans.

Steve, my human, seems to have been documenting our relocation in a video that he posted online called "Talking Kitty Something Something".

As seen in the footage, Todd has been attempting to rescue me. Steve has been evading him so far, making strange efforts to keep Gibson and I locked away as if Todd were some sort of threat.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

It's the end of the world.

I usually don't watch television, but I've seen enough of it to know what war is. It's when the humans fight each other with explosion thingies that go boom in the sky.

Tonight I was sleeping in the front room when I heard the first explosion. The whole room lit up from the blast and the sound was loud enough to shake my whiskers!

I ran into the human's sleeping room and hid under their bed. More explosions! Then more and more! I want to note this in my journal as the first day of attack, so it may be marked in history for future creatures to read after we've all died. Here goes..


Today was the beginning of the end. The human's are preparing to destroy each other and take us all out with them. Let it be known to you beings of the future that mankind began it's destruction at exactly 9:22 PM on the night of July 3rd, according to the time keeping papers that humans use, called calenders.

I over heard my human as he laid on the bed above my hiding bunker. He said, and I quote: "Wow, if it's this bad tonight, imagine how crazy it will be tomorrow night..."

I heard no fear in his voice as he spoke, but I know he must be horrified.

End of message to future creatures.


If it will be worse by this time tomorrow, we are surely doomed. It is now just after 10 PM. The humans have closed the hatch to their sleeping corridors leaving Bitch, Fluff-Face and Myself out in the rest of the house to fend for ourselves.

I borrowed a camera and was lucky enough to get a picture of one of the bombs as it exploded in the air, taken from the safety of a lookout (Wind Oh) in our home. It was colorful and loud. I can only imagine how many lives were destroyed by this massive weapon.

This may be the last message I ever send out. Good luck everyone.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Still no luck.

My human has let me into the room with the lookouts many times. I tried to execute my plan, but the lookouts are always closed. I can't tear the Micro-Square Netting until the lookouts (Wind Oh's) are open.... Still stuck here for now.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

I have planned my escape!

My escape plan is flawless!

In the room where my food tower is, there are 4 lookouts (the humans call them "Wind O's"). Each one of them slides open, but
they're reinforced with some
strange micro-square netting.

This netting looks like a discouraging trap, but it is actually quite weak. I can easily penetrate it with my claws.

When I am in the room with my food tower, the humans sometimes close the door, leaving me unattended.

Here is my new plan:
  • Wait until the door to my food tower is opened.
  • Go into the room and hide.
  • Wait for the humans to close the door.
  • Claw and create an opening in the Micro-Square Netting.
  • Run like hell.
My plan as drafted.

It is only a matter of time now.... I can already taste the catnip and tunafish!

Another day.

I'm still not used to this new home the humans moved me to. Everytime I turn around I get lost. They've moved my food tower into a room with doors on it, so half the time I can't get to it. Worse yet, I have had nothing but dry food since we got here.

I am starting to think that they forgot to put my canned wet yumminess into the brown storage cubes. I don't think I've done anything bad lately, am I grounded again? Steve really needs to go to the store.

Or let me outside. Either way.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Violation of Kitty Privacy.

My human has been video taping me for longer than I was aware of. I only remember the last couple years of random recording devices stuck in my face.

My fur stood on end moments ago as I came across a video of myself as a kitten, with annoying music and horrible image quality. The choppy video is evidence that Steve (my capturer) has been invading my privacy for longer than I had anticipated.

Perhaps I can find some baby pictures of Steve to post on my blog as payback for this. I was too young and helpless to know what he was doing back then.

I'll get my revenge. I will take his camera and record him on his white litter bowl thingy that he sits on to potty. Hehehehe!!!.....


I was right! We are SO close to his house now! I was just sitting in the lookout (the thing they calls "Wind Oh's") staring outside, dreaming of my forthcoming freedom, when I saw Todd drive down the street, right in front of my new prison. I mean, our new home.. Ugh..

After watching Gibson's Scary World Video, I noticed that his image of Todd is misleading. I don't know where he comes up with this nonsense. Todd is not scary, he is amazing. His addiction to porcelain dolls is a little creepy, but other than that he is the best human ever! I love him...

False alarm....

Nevermind. They found her locked in the tool shed out back. Lame.

Better luck next time.

I think my wish came true!

I might finally be dog free! The giant black dog they call Shelby (a.k.a. Bitch) ran away this morning! It's been almost 8 hours! Steve is frantic, but he'll get over it!

I don't want to see her in pain though, so if she gets hit by a car I pray that it kills her instantly. R.I.P. Bitch. ... hehe....

Monday, June 27, 2011

Gibson went to the vet today.

Lil fluff-face went to the vet today and they diagnosed him with Feline Schizophrenia. I knew there was something wrong with him.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

No help from Gibson.

I can't believe it's already been almost two and a half years since I started this blog. What a giant waste of time this is.

Scary Scary WorldI just saw this video on my human's website (right). Gibson is a freak. I am starting to regret telling him all of the horror stories about the outside world. How is he ever supposed to help me help Todd if he won't even leave the house!?... What a pussy. That was the most childish, pathetic and ridiculous song I have ever heard. It made me want to run in traffic just to get it out of my head.

So fine. Let the little fluff-face stay here with the mean humans. I will make my way back to Todd's. I can always check on my old family by watching the stupid videos that Steve makes. I hope the best for Bitch. I will miss her for a few minutes. As for Gibson...... I don't care....

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Familiar Territory

I just realized something! When we moved back, I knew we were close to the old home. But I didn't know HOW close! We are only a block away!

Guess what that means!??!

I can finally go back home with Todd! The only problem is, my human thinks I am an inside cat now, so I might have a hard time escaping. Either way I should start getting Gibson ready. He is older now, so he will help us!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Moving again!??!

More brown containment cubes. Yup. We moved... Again...

My humans move around like escaped convicts. This time we moved back to the same neighborhood we used to live in.

After watching Steve's stupid video of my jail experience, I decided to once again attempt to steal his camera and record him for a change. Of course, it never works out for me. If only I had thumbs!

Last time was easier. This time, I couldn't get my paw into the strap. These stupid contraptions are made specifically for the monkey handed humans.

Eventually, I'll get this recording device under control. No more "Talking Kitty" videos. I have a better idea. It's called "Hidden Camera Human".

Of course, I still have to figure out how to not get caught with his camera thingy. Until then, I will continue acting along for his stupid little youtube video crap. But soon, these humans will be exposed for what they really are!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I just got out of jail....

No freedom for felines.
After begging my human to let me outside, I finally reached the great wide open. I was minding my own business when some other human started chasing me with a net. It was humiliating!
I was then thrown into a van, like a piece of garbage...

Actually, they were pretty nice about it. But still! Their excuse was that I had no collar or license. I didn't know I needed a license to walk!

And I do NOT wear collars. Collars are for dogs. My human has tried many times to put one of those ridiculous things around my neck. They are uncomfortable and unnecessary.

This was the worst couple of days of my life. Thank you Steve for rescuing me. It won't happen again. Next time I go outside, I'll be prepared to deal with the animal control idiots who think they run the streets.

They won't catch me again!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

No escape.

I've searched every inch of this giant cage they call a home. There is no escape.

Every window is secure. Every door is locked. I feel like a prisoner. My only chance is to beg Steve to let me out of this horrible place. Hopefully he will give in to me and I can finally make my way back to Todd.

If he doesn't. I may be doomed to live in this hell forever.

Somehow, Bitch and Fluff-face seem to be getting along just fine. They don't even notice that they are in captivity.

Bitch gets released on a regular basis and returns on her own. Fluff-face is so terrified of the front door that he has never even attempted to escape.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Kitty cat abuse!

There must be some kind of organization out there that can help me! I am a victim of severe animal neglect! Not only does my human refuse to let me outside or give me catnip, but he also forgets to feed me real food!
I can't stay here. I will search this home for any escape.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

No more secrets!

This is animal abuse! I have been locked inside more longer than I can remember now! I only get wet food once a day! I am forced to live with a dog! My dry food tastes horrible! I have to share my litter box with a fluffy retard! Who can I call to fix this mess!??! I miss Todd..

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Still haven't found the tape.

Before we relocated here, Steve recorded a bunch of stuff on his camera that was important. I remember him writing TK13 on the tape, but then it just disappeared. I was hoping he would make it into videos online like the rest of his nonsense.

I think he is trying to hide it from me. I haven't seen the tape since we moved here. I need to find it so I can prove something. I'll keep looking.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I miss Todd.

I haven't had catnip in so long! I need to get out of here! I know Todd misses me. I'll find my way back soon. If only these humans would let me out of here!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

In trouble again.

I don't really know how this could be my fault, but it always is. Shelby thinks her name is bitch, and my human is angry at me about it.

So, once again I am the target in front of the camera.

Honestly, Steve should thank me. I think I made a correction.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Just an update....

I haven't been able to get on the computer for a while. In this new home, the computer is in another room secluded by a door that my human closes on a regular basis. Tonight he left it open.

This is my first chance to blog in quite some time. I still don't know what "Blog" means. But getting my thoughts out is helpful.

The dog is driving me insane. The humans NEVER let me outside anymore. My scratching post has worn thin and the new cat food they're feeding me tastes horrible.

I have considered faking my death again just to get outside.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I hate it here.

I will not try to be nice anymore. Luckily for me Gibson has completely stopped talking. I think he is corrupted from the relocation.

Monday, January 3, 2011

They did it again!

Alright, I paid enough attention this time to understand what the brown cubes are. They are containment devices for clutter. Each time they appear in the house, it means we are relocating. And they did it again!

We are now in another home. Last time we only relocated a small distance from the old home. This time we are so far away! How will I ever return to Todd!??! I don't even know where I am!! Damn you Steve!